Just this morning my 11 year old daughter asked
me if I would be upset if she did not get 100% on her Chinese quiz today. I thought Uhm, NO, I am impressed she even
chose to take Chinese in the first place.
I stopped before I answered and asked her what her goal was for this
particular class.
She said, “To get a
good grade” (with the “duh mom” attitude along with it).
That’s when I knew this conversation was so important.
I reminded her how happy she was the other day to be able to count
to ten in Chinese and show off in front of her little brother. Despite the obvious – I want to beat my
brother in just about anything – what else made her happy? It was the fact that she learned something
new. Something she did not know
before. That feeling of accomplishment
goes a long way. So I asked her again
why is she taking Chinese in school?
Then she sarcastically said, “To learn to speak Chinese”.
BINGO
So despite the eye roll to her goofy mama, when she re-evaluated the
reason she is taking this class, it then became less about getting a good
grade and more about what she is learning.
If she accomplishes her goal of learning more today than she did
yesterday she will most likely do well on her quiz. If she focuses with a sense of curiosity for
something new, all the benefits that come along with learning something new and
feeling competent and accomplished, the grade will most likely be good.
So what if that does not produce a high grade?
My answer may not be well received by other
parents but I say that’s just fine. So
what? I don’t care if she gets 100% or
20% on her quiz today. I care that she put effort into studying and learning
and that she gets enjoyment out of learning something new.
If that gets her an A, great.
If that same effort gets her less than an A, well that’s okay too.
I hope to challenge her to look at the effort she put into preparing for
her quiz and be proud of what she learned
and not obsess on the letter grade.
So many of us as parents can get hung up on grades and performance
that is can put pressure on our kids to be perform the best at all times at the
expense of their overall happiness and well-being. As a self described “recovering perfectionist”
I get it. As a clinical therapist I see
it often in women who struggle with the long term negative results of “people
pleasing” perfectionism that started when they were young.
When I see the pressure my daughter putting pressure on herself over her grades,
my goal becomes helping her see school as an opportunity to learn to
enjoy new things, take on challenges and grow.
Grades are not the ultimate goal in my mind. My hope is that by doing
this she will gain so much more than just the grade.
Cara Maksimow, LCSW, CPC