There
is a Taoist story of an old farmer. One
day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbor came to visit.
"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe,"
the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three
other wild horses. "How wonderful," said his neighbor."Maybe," he replied. The next day, his son tried to ride one of the
untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbor again offered sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer.
The next day the army came to draft young men, but seeing the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The
neighbor congratulated the farmer.
"Maybe," he said.
In this story, every situation the farmer encountered was looked
upon as either wonderful, or as bad luck, by the neighbor. The Farmer, on the other hand, did not rush to
judgment; what seemed like opportunities turned into challenges, and challenges
turned became blessings.
We are so quick to judge situations, people, and life circumstances as good or bad, black or white.
Recently there has been a lot of heated buzz around a new Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why. Everyone seems to have a very definitive opinion one-way or the other.
As a mom of a 13-year-old girl, I admit I had a very
negative initial gut reaction when she told me she was watching it. I read a
few articles on how the show glorifies suicide and neglects to address mental
health concerns of the main character. I also received a warning letter from
our school district which led me to formulate the opinion that this was not a
good thing for my 7th grader to be watching.
That being said, I also realize that controlling what she
sees is not an easy task, so I decided that the best course of action was to
watch the show myself.
After a few episodes I was concerned that this show
portrayed Hannah (the main character who commits suicide) as a hero who
successfully pulls off what could be considered a “revenge fantasy.” I saw
danger in the idea that the show was show was glorifying suicide. I was also
uncomfortable with the graphic rape scenes and the step-by-step portrayal of
Hannah’s death.
After a few episodes, I found myself invested in the
characters and noticed a shift in my perception of the show. I was enjoying the
series more than I wanted to admit. I realized this show is so much more than
just about suicide. When I looked closer into the complexity of each character
I saw an opportunity. By using the
characters in the show I was able to start a dialogue about other topics that
my middle-school-aged daughter may or may not be open to discussing otherwise,
such as homophobia, self-harm (non suicidal), drinking, and sex. I was able to
better understand her opinions, values and experiences around these subjects as
well as address the things she, by the seventh grade, has already experienced
or witnessed, such as bullying, inappropriate sexualizing, and peer betrayal.
As a mental health professional and as a mom, I found the
lack of awareness of the parents in the show, troubling, although not surprising.
Mental health treatment also was pretty much non-existent throughout the series,
except for a reference to prior therapy and medication by Clay, another main
character.
As I began to see this show as more of an opportunity to get
to learn more about my daughter and talk with her about difficult topics, I
remembered my early years as a social worker. Back in 1990’s I worked as a mental health
specialist on an adolescent psychiatric inpatient hospital unit. The show My So Called Life was considered a bit
controversial and tackled taboo and challenging topics like sex, drinking,
drugs, and bullying, not unlike 13
Reasons Why. While working at the hospital we often showed VHS tapes of My So Called Life and then facilitated
therapy discussion groups with the teens about the show. By talking about
difficult and personal issues from the perspective of characters, we were able
to help the teens process situations and challenges they were facing in their
lives and do it from a “safer” space.
Just this week news came out that Netflix is not done with
the series and will be putting out a season two of 13 Reasons Why. Before deciding if this is good or bad, I choose to
look at this as an opportunity to dialogue further with my daughter.
Like most things in life, it’s neither black nor white, but a really strong maybe.
*I urge anyone reading this article who maybe experiencing
thoughts of self-harm or suicide to reach out for help. National SuicidePrevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
