Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash |
If you have Facebook, twitter, or have listened to any news media outlet in the last week, you would have heard someone say #metoo.
In response to the allegations against Harvey Weinstein,
Alyssa Milano tweeted the following:
If you've been sexually harassed or assaulted write 'me too' as a reply to this tweet.
Within 48 hours #metoo was posted about one million times. Think
about the impact of one million people publicly acknowledging having been
sexually harassed or assaulted!
I have heard a lot of people commenting that this in not
new. That is true, sexual harassment and sexual assault being pushed under the
rug or people turning a blind eye, leaving victims to feel ashamed, embarrassed
and at fault, has been going on forever.
Why now are women (and some men) coming forward?
Perhaps it is because there is a safety in numbers. Much of
the sexual assault cases that are coming out publically now, were well known
secrets. It was considered to be part of the territory and a necessary evil.
Sexual assault is seen as a part of our culture. Think about the Access
Hollywood tapes of Donald Trump. Even after admitting to groping and forcibly
kissing women, he was elected to be President of the United States. How is that possible? The response from many
was “that’s just locker room talk.” Rape culture is normalized and excused. So
much so that statistics show that 85% of all rapes go unreported. Sometimes we
hear the counterargument about a risk of false accusations, however the reality
is that accounts for only about 2% of all accusations. Take a look at this data
from the website www.rainn.org
There is very little accountability.
No wonder so many women blame themselves for what happened
to them.
It is important to point out that sexual assault is not just
a problem for women. Men are also victims of sexual assault and women can be
perpetrators as well.
Too often we dismiss perpetrators and make excuses like
“boys will be boys.” There are so many examples in our culture where we
romanticize behaviors where men “don’t’ take no for an answer.” Just look at the most popular movies and
shows where male characters persist and persist despite being told no. Movies
like, Say Anything make us believe it
is cute for a guy to stand outside of a girls house in the middle of the night
with a radio to get her attention after she has repeatedly said she is not
interested. Subtle messages like these can be confusing and contribute to a
culture where it is acceptable for a man to be elected President of the United
States after admitting that he sexually assaulted women and gets away with it
because he is wealthy. Ask anyone connected to the media industry and they would
tell you they knew of these “open secrets” about Harvey Weinstein or about Bill
Cosby before it became the center of media attention.
Statistics show that one in five women are sexually
assaulted by the time they get to college. The FBI Uniform Crime Report of 2013
reports (with a very narrow definition of rape) that one person is raped
approximately every six minutes.
So what do we do?
Right now, we teach our girls how not to be
victims. We tell them to not put their drink down in a bar, be aware of their
surroundings, don’t dress provocatively or get “too drunk”, make sure they don’t
walk alone in the dark, etc.
The majority of the attention, accountability and
responsibility fall on the victim. No wonder so may sexual assault victims
blame themselves for things that happen to them? That is a big part of why they
don’t come forward. That was the case for me almost thirty years ago.
That is not ok.
An expert in treating sexual assault victims, Psychologist,
Charity Truong, PsyD describes a “just world myth” that perpetuates the guilt
and blame following a sexual assault. We believe on some level that good things
happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When bad things
happen, we start to think we must have done something wrong. We also have what
is called a “rape script” in our mind of what an assault looks like. It’s a
stranger, in a dark alley, late at night. That is different from the experience
of many people. That discrepancy between what we think constitutes assault and
what we actually experienced leads to self-blame and guilt. We rationalize away what happened. We make excuses for the perpetrator and we
bury the emotional pain, shame and hurt.
Again, that is not ok. So what now?
As a therapist and as a parent, it is important to me to be
a part of a changing culture and here are three thoughts I have on how to begin:
I shared this on FB. I think this is a really important read for EVERYONE! There so much in this post, I'm not sure where to begin. I really despise the attitude that "boys will be boys", which permits boys to be assholes, or worse. I just might jump down the throats of the next person who condones bad behaviour with that phrase or attitude. The stats you showed, about how many people report, how many cases get to a prosecutor, etc., is the reason why we don't bother reporting - it feels pointless. Even the tiny percentage that do get incarcerated spend less time in jail than it takes for a rape victim to fully heal from being raped.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. We need to continue to change the culture with our words and actions every day.
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