Happiness Myths

Did you know March 20 was the International Day of Happiness!

This “Happiness Holiday” began in 2013 following the UN General Assembly resolution  which recognized happiness and well-being as fundamental global goals. This kind of recognition and attention on happiness has found its way into national news programs like this week on Megyn KellyToday 

Here in NJ, I am honored to be a part of a community movement called Paint theTown Yellow. This movement is about brightening the lives and the community through Optimistic Art, Activities and Events. Check out this fantastic video HERE! 

Riley and Whitny, the founders of UMEWE and Paint the TownYellow, are passionate about optimism, happiness and bringing out the good in their local communities and beyond. Here in Madison, they have the full support of the Mayor, Bob Conley, who has officially declared the following:

WHEREAS, citizens can make a difference by brightening lives and the community through volunteer civic engagement, activities and collaborations in town throughout the months of March through May; we hereby appoint the following as Honorary Ambassadors of Optimism …

It is such an exciting and humbling experience to be an honorary Ambassador of Optimism and to be able to be part of the process here in Madison, NJ! Anyone who wants to get involved or attend one of the fantastic speakers who will be presenting at Short Stories Bookshop and Community Hub, can go to the FACEBOOK@madisonisintoyellow for details. Here's the calendar of events!

As a Clinical Therapist, I often see how the concept of happiness isn't so easy to define for so many people.  Misconceptions and limiting beliefs around happiness can take a toll on our emotional health. So, for that reason, I would like to dispel three common myths I hear about happiness:

Myth 1: I’ll be happy when___________(you fill in the blank).

How would you fill in that blank? Perhaps something like:

•   I finally lose that last 10lbs
•  get that promotion at work
•  finish my home project
• get through this final exam

Whatever you use to fill in the blank, achieving that goal you will only bring about a temporary boost of happiness, pretty quickly you return to your baseline. Soon after you will have another “I’ll be happy when…” Positive psychology research tells us that external circumstances, like those listed above, account for only about 10% of people’s actual happiness. Researcher and California University Psychology Professor, Sonja Lyubomirsky has shown that we all have a “set point” of happiness that we are born with and that external circumstances do very little to alter that baseline. What does make a difference is intentional activity. We have the capacity to improve our happiness levels by 40% with intentional activities and mindful actions! To learn more about her work, check out her book The How of Happiness. Some really simple intentional activities Dr. Lyubomirsky suggests in her book are; practicing gratitude, savoring life’s joys, letting go of rumination and social comparison, practicing acts of kindness and fostering social connections. A simple gratitude practice you can try right now is called #fillyourBAGhappy. You can learn how to do it by going to this website maximize-wellness.com/fillyourbaghappy .

Another take away from Positive Psychology research that you can implement today is to do something kind for someone else. Random acts of kindness don’t need to be huge or expensive to be meaningful. Little gestures focused on helping others quietly can, not only improve the other person’s day but can improve yours as well. Acts of kindness have been shown to increase and sustain happiness levels. A simple smile at a stranger can go a long way!

Myth 2: Negative emotions are bad. I shouldn’t feel angry or sad and when I do, something is “wrong” with me.

There is a misconception that it is not ok to feel sad, confused or feel angry. Negative emotions are thought to signal defectiveness. The reality is that negative emotions serve an important purpose in our lives. Experiencing a full range of feelings is part of what makes us human. Anxiety can alert us to something dangerous in our environment. Sadness builds empathy and connection with others. When we can feel disappointment or sadness we can become more connected with loved ones and can better provide support and encouragement. Feeling anger can motivates us to step up and right a wrong. It motivates us toward needed change. Look at the recent events in Florida and the action being taken by the Marjory Stoneman Douglas HS student survivors. They are motivated by fear and anger and are channeling those emotions into making what they see as a positive difference in the world. Feeling negative emotions can also help us to appreciate and savor positive emotions and moments in our lives. Experiencing a variety of emotions are a normal and natural part of daily living. The key is to have a healthy balance. If you are interested in learning more about benefits of negative emotions from Positive Psychology practitioners, Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener, check out the book Upside of Your Dark Side. Another great resource that depicts this concept is the Disney Pixar movie, Inside Out. Even if you don’t have little kids, this movie is worth watching and provides such an insightful message about finding emotional balance and recognizing that it is okay to not be “all joy, all the time."

It is really important to note that there is a difference between a healthy range of emotions and experiencing depressed mood most of the day or difficulty enjoying pleasurable activities. This level of sadness that may signal something more is going on and you could be experiencing symptoms of clinical depression. Please understand that depression is not a choice or something that is caused by anything anyone did wrong, nor is it a personality flaw. It is a medical illness that can be treated. If you are unsure and think you may be having symptoms of depression or are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, I urge you to talk with someone right away. NJ Hope line is 855-654-6735 and the National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-784-2433. If you want to speak with a counselor or therapist. PsychologyToday is an excellent resource to find someone in your area. If you are near Chatham NJ, you can always reach out to me at Maximize Wellness. 

Myth 3: Happiness is the ultimate goal.

If we look at happiness as an end goal, we find ourselves missing out on the process and how we got there. We may also never truly find ourselves “arriving”. Try altering your perspective so that happiness becomes a byproduct of a well-lived life. It is the journey, not the destination.  Someone once described it as the difference between being able to enjoy the beauty of the rainbow instead of just seeing it as a means to the pot of gold at the end. Practicing mindfulness and being more aware of being in the moment, versus living life in autopilot, can help you recognize more of the good in the little things in life. Savoring the little moments day to day is a great way to begin to enjoy the journey!