F**** Perfect Parenting

I used to think that being a good mom meant sacrificing my needs at all costs. I know many moms believe that to be true. Now, I think that this kind of thinking derails us from the peaceful and happy moments that we hope to have with our children.

Today my parenting is less about being perfect and more about being real. That has made me a better parent. Not perfect parent, just better.

Here are three simple changes I believe made me a happier and more confident mom! 

F**** "Perfect"

Letting go of my need to be perfect allowed me to let go of the guilt I felt when I took care of my needs. The old saying, "put on your oxygen mask first" not only helps me be a better parent, it also allows me to be a role model for my children. I don’t want my kids to grow up and feel overwhelmed and stressed because they ignored her own physical, emotional and mental health trying to be perfect. I want them to know that it is okay to make mistakes and keep striving. Embracing imperfection motivated me to write ​"Lose That Mommy Guilt" and has continued to remind me how the drive to be perfect made motherhood so much harder. I am more forgiving of myself and of my children. I accept my imperfections as I strive to improve. I recognize the negative effects that my perfectionism had on myself and on my family. I see how much added stress my negative judgments caused me. My negative self-talk and inner dialogue did not motivate me to be better. Only accepting myself did.

Practice Gratitude

It is so easy to get caught up in all the negativity and focus on what isn't going well in life. Instead, take a few minutes to recognize what is working and what is going right. What we focus on tends to be what we recognize. Our minds are selective and put more importance on what we consciously focus on. If we are always looking at and thinking about what is wrong or negative, we will see more of it. So take some time each day to reflect on what is going right! This is a great habit to start doing with our children. My kids and do a practice I call "Fill Your BAG Happy". We imagine a BAG that collects negative energy, stress and other problems from our day and we visualize dumping it out and refilling it with answers to three questions that spell out the word BAG. B- What is the Best and Brightest part of my day? A - What did I Accomplish? G - what am I truly Grateful for? 

Practice Mindfulness

Allowing my thoughts to come and go without holding on to them or pushing them away allows me to not get caught up in believing my thoughts. I can now more often recognize when perfectionistic thoughts drive my emotions and actions in an unhelpful way. Mindfulness taught me to be more patient and created a distinction between “reacting” and “responding.” If you are new to mindfulness, it does not have to be overwhelming. Just a few minutes a day can have an impact. There are some really great phone apps that can guide you. My favorites are calm, headspace and insight timer.

Self-care looks different for different people, but for me it is about embracing imperfection, gratitude and mindfulness for a happier, healthier and more productive me!

Post originally written for Today Parenting Team "Taking Care of YOU" challenge. 

Anxious Thoughts

Anxious thoughts happen to all of us at various times in our lives. Sometimes we are able to dismiss an anxious thought or see it objectively without believing them or getting caught up in them, but other times it can be much easier said than done. I know personally how challenging it can be to calm anxious thoughts in my own life as well as in my work. As a clinical therapist and coach, I work every day with people with anxiety and high stress. One of the most important messages that can help put those thoughts into perspective is to remember: Just because I think it, does not make it true.

Often, when we get caught up in our anxious thoughts, we are not able to separate ourselves from the thought itself. We believe that because we are thinking it that it must be true. The reality is, we think a lot of things that are not true or helpful.

If I asked you to close your eyes right now and imagine yourself as a professional basketball player. Picture yourself out on the court, dribbling the ball and making a three point shot. Can you play out a scenario where you score the winning basket for your team? Now open your eyes.

Are you really a professional basketball player? No? But you thought you were? Why isn’t it true?

Being able to recognize that our anxious thoughts are often as unrealistic as thinking that we are professional basketball players can be a first step toward calming anxious thoughts.

Ask yourself what is the evidence supporting the anxious thought being true? What is the evidence that it is not true?

Next, ask yourself if something is the thought is probable vs possible. When a bad event or fear is “possible” we mistake it for being “probable.” That distinction is important to recognize. Lots of scenarios are possible, but not probable. Can you more realistically identify how probable your anxious thought really is?

Looking at our thoughts without getting caught in them can take practice. Mindful breathing is a great way to start. A simple exercise I use is to close my eyes, take a deep breath through my nose and then blow the breath out through my mouth as I picture myself blowing out an imaginary candle. Repeat at least 10 times.

Practicing mindful breathing a little bit each day can help you observe your thoughts as they come up without pushing the thoughts away or trying to hold on to or grasping the thoughts. By focusing on breathing you can learn how to just observe them as they come up without getting caught up in them. Start slow with simple practices you can do right on your phone with some of my favorite mindfulness apps like calm, headspace or insight timer.

Remember, Just because I think it, does not make it true!

Article originally published December 6th on Mind Globe Blog by Cara