#metoo, what next?

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

If you have Facebook, twitter, or have listened to any news media outlet in the last week, you would have heard someone say #metoo.

In response to the allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Alyssa Milano tweeted the following:

If you've been sexually harassed or assaulted write 'me too' as a reply to this tweet.

Within 48 hours #metoo was posted about one million times. Think about the impact of one million people publicly acknowledging having been sexually harassed or assaulted!   

I have heard a lot of people commenting that this in not new. That is true, sexual harassment and sexual assault being pushed under the rug or people turning a blind eye, leaving victims to feel ashamed, embarrassed and at fault, has been going on forever.  Why now are women (and some men) coming forward?

Perhaps it is because there is a safety in numbers. Much of the sexual assault cases that are coming out publically now, were well known secrets. It was considered to be part of the territory and a necessary evil. Sexual assault is seen as a part of our culture. Think about the Access Hollywood tapes of Donald Trump. Even after admitting to groping and forcibly kissing women, he was elected to be President of the United States.  How is that possible? The response from many was “that’s just locker room talk.” Rape culture is normalized and excused. So much so that statistics show that 85% of all rapes go unreported. Sometimes we hear the counterargument about a risk of false accusations, however the reality is that accounts for only about 2% of all accusations. Take a look at this data from the website www.rainn.org

There is very little accountability.

No wonder so many women blame themselves for what happened to them.

It is important to point out that sexual assault is not just a problem for women. Men are also victims of sexual assault and women can be perpetrators as well.

Too often we dismiss perpetrators and make excuses like “boys will be boys.” There are so many examples in our culture where we romanticize behaviors where men “don’t’ take no for an answer.”  Just look at the most popular movies and shows where male characters persist and persist despite being told no. Movies like, Say Anything make us believe it is cute for a guy to stand outside of a girls house in the middle of the night with a radio to get her attention after she has repeatedly said she is not interested. Subtle messages like these can be confusing and contribute to a culture where it is acceptable for a man to be elected President of the United States after admitting that he sexually assaulted women and gets away with it because he is wealthy. Ask anyone connected to the media industry and they would tell you they knew of these “open secrets” about Harvey Weinstein or about Bill Cosby before it became the center of media attention.

Statistics show that one in five women are sexually assaulted by the time they get to college. The FBI Uniform Crime Report of 2013 reports (with a very narrow definition of rape) that one person is raped approximately every six minutes.

So what do we do? 

Right now, we teach our girls how not to be victims. We tell them to not put their drink down in a bar, be aware of their surroundings, don’t dress provocatively or get “too drunk”, make sure they don’t walk alone in the dark, etc.

The majority of the attention, accountability and responsibility fall on the victim. No wonder so may sexual assault victims blame themselves for things that happen to them? That is a big part of why they don’t come forward. That was the case for me almost thirty years ago. 

That is not ok.

An expert in treating sexual assault victims, Psychologist, Charity Truong, PsyD describes a “just world myth” that perpetuates the guilt and blame following a sexual assault. We believe on some level that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When bad things happen, we start to think we must have done something wrong. We also have what is called a “rape script” in our mind of what an assault looks like. It’s a stranger, in a dark alley, late at night. That is different from the experience of many people. That discrepancy between what we think constitutes assault and what we actually experienced leads to self-blame and guilt.  We rationalize away what happened.  We make excuses for the perpetrator and we bury the emotional pain, shame and hurt.

Again, that is not ok.  So what now?

As a therapist and as a parent, it is important to me to be a part of a changing culture and here are three thoughts I have on how to begin:

• Recognize this is a problem. A problem not isolated to a select few perpetrators but a culture that condones, romanticizes, and rationalizes inappropriate behavior. Most of us can agree and publically agree that Harvey Weinstein, Brock Turner or Bill Cosby cases are unacceptable, but what about the smaller, sexist micro aggressions that happen every day? Can we call out sexist language, harassment, slut shaming, mom shaming, stereotyping, and objectification of women?  Do we step in and challenge our friends, coworkers, or family members when they say and do things that perpetuate a culture of sexism? Can we stop condoning a culture of entitlement that makes excuses for “locker-room-talk?" Take a stand and speak out against the notion that “boys will be boys,” or that the way someone dresses or acts means they were “asking for it?” One of my favorite social workers and authors, Brene Brown, writes about having the courage to speak truth to bullshit in her newest book, Braving the Wilderness. Silence around these issues is a form of condoning. I get that it isn’t easy. If it were easy, this would not be as big of a problem. Speak up and step in.

•  Get really clear on what sexual assault looks like, not the extreme “rape script” we imagine. Understanding the definition of sexual assault can help to better clarify what is happening. It allows people to know clearly what is and is not assault and create more accountability and less victim blaming. The Department of Justice defines sexual assault as:

 Any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.

•  The responsibility of preventing sexual assault does not fall on would-be-victim; the responsibility falls on the would-be perpetrator. We need to spend more time teaching our girls AND our boys about respecting boundaries, accountability and what IS and WHAT IS NOT consent.

Changing our culture starts with changing ourselves.

Practice what I preach...

Glossophobia or speech anxiety is the fear of public speaking or of speaking in general. So many people have it. The idea of presenting in front of a group and being the center of attention can be overwhelming, especially for people prone to anxiety. I have had symptoms of anxiety my entire life and yet speaking in front of a group is something that I find exciting and motivating.  I worked for years in a training role for a major pharmaceutical company and currently I teach classes and workshops on mental health, optimism, and resiliency as part of my clinical social work practice. Although I get a bit nervous just before a presentation, within seconds I begin to feel the positive energy of the group and find my flow.  I pride myself on the ability to handle negative and challenging audiences and can keep calm even when things go horribly wrong.  

So, if all of that is true, why did one workshop throw me into a panic last month?

It all began after finishing up a three-week class I teach several times a year for the local adult school. It is called: Get Happy: The Science Behind the Smile. The next session starts October 2017 (here’s link if you would like to join me).  Two women from the last class contacted me to see if I would put together a program with the information we covered in class, specifically to reinforce resiliency and a positive mindset in their teenage daughters. They thought that the information presented would be best received coming from an expert instead of from mom. Excited by the idea, I agreed.

Having a 13-year-old daughter, I had a pretty good idea how to create a version of my course that would be appealing to young teenagers. I could easily re-package the information with relatable stories to create an hour-long program that would fit the needs of the parents and keep the kids engaged. After creating the content and going back and forth on dates and times, we settled on a date for me to come to the home of one of the women. The plan was for her to host a party of 8^th graders after school where I could present my information and lead a discussion style workshop.

After I agreed to do it and was all ready to go, I panicked. What the heck? Why was I feeling so anxious about this? My internal voice kept reminding me that I am better with adults than I am with kids. I began my career as a therapist working with children and families but after taking a 13 year detour into a corporate job, my current my current clinical therapy practice is much more focused on working with older teens and adults, especially around work/life balance stressors and triggers.  All of a sudden I felt completely unprepared for what I had signed up to do.  My negative self-talk had me feeling overwhelmed and insecure about doing something that really should be a no brainer for me.

So what did I do? I am not proud to admit it, but I tried to get out of it. I was not exactly sure why I was so fearful of doing this workshop, I just knew I wanted to bail. The mom hosting the workshop emailed to say that her daughter told her that this was going to be the lamest party ever. That was all I needed to hear, I was convinced that it was a bad idea. My 13-year-old daughter reminds me on a daily basis just how “uncool” I really am. I thought, “How could I possibly think I could do this?”

I tried to remind myself that teachers do this every single day, but that did not really help. Teachers have special gift and type of patience I don’t believe I have. As much as I love to teach, adult learning is where I thrive.

Nothing worked. I couldn’t find a way out. So there I was, sitting in someone else’s home with a room full of young teenagers whose parents paid money to have them come learn from me how to be more resilient and optimistic, when I myself was feeling overwhelmed and pessimistic. Before getting started one boy said to me, “I don’t think I want to stay, I don’t really like psychology type stuff.”  Ugh, I just kept thinking, “This is going to be a complete shit-show.”

So, I just took a deep breath and started anyway.  A few minutes in and I was shocked to see that I held their attention. Most of the teens were engaged and were began participating in the discussion. Hmmm, I thought “Maybe this would not be so bad after all.”

As I went through the material it hit me. The key points I was trying to teach these kids were the very messages I needed to tell myself at that very moment. I was not practicing what I preach. I was doing, in my own mind, exactly what I was trying to teach these kids not to do.  My panic, fear and insecurity around doing that program were in my mind, not reflective of situation.  I believed my irrational thoughts, personalization, pervasiveness, and perfectionism that had driven me into a panic. All of these were topics of this workshop.

When the obvious light bulb went off and I gained insight into the unhelpful thoughts I was having, I was able to use more adaptive thinking strategies, reframe my thoughts and adjust my perspective to allow my fear to dissipate. As I listened to the kids sharing examples of growth mindset thinking it clicked how much I was operating from a fixed mindset and sabotaging myself over irrational and unhealthy assumptions. I was stuck believing my thoughts that “I just don’t work well with kids” or “I can’t really relate to a room full of 13-year-olds.” Those beliefs weren’t based in facts or evidence but in my own maladaptive thoughts. I had to remind myself that just because I think it, does not make it true. Something I say to other people several times a day.

During the hour together, the kids shared stories of social comparisons and how those emotions have had negative affects on their self-worth.  We identified examples of situations where emotions were triggered by unhelpful and unrealistic negative thinking, labeled and reframed those negative thoughts. The kids showed insight and eagerness to understand their own triggers and even the kid who said he didn’t want to stay, shared with the group a challenging time when negative thoughts led to feeling depressed and hopeless.  

It is funny how sometimes the things we fear can become valuable lessons. In preparing to teach other people how to be more resilient and operate from a growth mindset, I really reminded myself to practice what I preach.

Thank you to the families who trusted me to teach their children, and for the opportunity to step outside my comfort zone and continue to grow.

If you are interested in attending an upcoming workshop or setting one up, please reach out any time, you can contact me through my website Maximize Wellness or via cfmaksimow@maximize-wellness.com